Today was weird, awkward, uncomfortable and weird again. I can usually pinpoint what emotion I’m feeling and why but today I kind of felt numb, even though tears came. I was sort of expecting to be able to celebrate the hope we have for our child that could be coming to us very soon, but I found myself just sort of in a haze all day, not really sure how I felt. It was pretty obvious that no one really knew what to say to me today. I got a lot of awkward smiles, a few “well intentioned” comments, and mostly silence. I got a “Hey, good morning”, while my girlfriend standing next to me got a hug and “Happy Mother’s Day!”. I don’t blame anyone for not knowing what to say. What DO you say to a childless mother on the day set aside to celebrate moms? I’m not currently mothering a child, I never held my baby, I don’t have a growing belly. In the traditional sense, I’m not a mother. But there is a soul in heaven that for 10 short weeks was made up of Ryan and I’s DNA. It had our genes, to perhaps have my eyes and his height. I am a mother.
Today, we sit with paperwork in hand, ready to go before a board, a judge, and a pregnant woman. We have been asked questions that most would consider intrusive, have been forced to pull together parts of our lives that we’ve never even considered, and will be at the mercy of the courts to deem us worthy of being parents. All to become what we already are. What a crazy life.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely confident that we’re exactly where we’re supposed to be and I am certainly excited to see how this is all going to unfold. But I need permission to be honest that some days just still plain suck. I am forever a part of a minority of women who will always have a piece of their heart missing on Mother’s Day.
Today I carried with me the burden of all mamas who have lost. It’s a pain so unexplainable, that is only bearable because of the hope I have in Christ that He has overcome death and my tears will be wiped away. I don’t know how women do it apart from God.
My story is not the most tragic, it doesn’t even come close to what some in my life have endured, but it is my story. I just have to remember that it’s not the end…