What I Need You to Know

This isn’t easy for me. Adoption is hard. Really hard. Extremely beautiful and wonderful, but hard. I need to tell you at least two things on my mind lately about this: Adoption does not cure infertility.

1) I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard well intentioned people say, “You know what they say…once you adopt, then you’ll end up pregnant!”. Yes, I know they SAY that. But can I tell you that statistically about 5% of adoptive couples go on to conceive. I do not struggle with infertility because I am too occupied with getting pregnant. Stress doesn’t cause infertility, infertility causes stress. Our adoption of Griffin does not mean I will end up pregnant. I could get pregnant…but it won’t be because we adopted. Unless you’ve been through infertility hell, you wouldn’t understand so I have grace that people just don’t really know what to say so they say something that sounds encouraging and hopeful.

2) Even though I have Griffin in my arms, I am still grieving. He was not a “fix” for my pain and grief. He is an amazing gift and my heart has never known a love like this, but that isn’t what heals my grief. It helps though 🙂 Please understand that adoptive couples still have things they need to mourn whether it be their infertility, the loss of a pregnancy, or the reality that their motherhood/fatherhood is still different than most of their friends in many ways.

Can I be honest with you for a second and let you in on some of the heart-happenings of this adoptive mama?

I still feel very sad at times. Sad that I don’t have pregnancy stories, I didn’t feel my boy kicking, I wasn’t able to nurse him, and that I didn’t give birth to my own son.

I have moments of anger. Anger over losing a child, that we somehow couldn’t conceive again, that it seems so easy for everyone else, that I wasn’t there for my child’s birth, and that I have to share him unlike most mothers I know.

I’m jealous.

I’m scared. Scared that I’ll fail, that open adoption will be too hard and I’ll never feel 100% secure, that maybe my love for Griffin is lacking because I didn’t carry his first 9 months of existence, that he’ll love her more than me, that I will end up pregnant and Griffin will feel “less than”, or that I’ll miss out on everything extraordinary about the mysteries of adoption and what it can teach me about being God’s child.

I stand on the affirmation that my emotions are very real and normal for where I’m at right now. I realize that my fears are typical of mamas who adopt and probably won’t ever be true. And I trust that God grafted our family together perfectly, that Griffin being my son is no accident, and that His plan has turned out better than anything I could have schemed up.

I love Griffin with every fiber of my being. Some days are still so surreal that I can only praise the One who made me his mommy! I absolutely adore him and that makes enduring even the messy parts of this journey worth it.

All for the glory of my God.


5 responses to “What I Need You to Know

  1. Thanks for sharing this and for your raw honesty! Love you!

  2. All so true. I can’t imagine what you have gone through, and continue to go through. You are an amazing wife, mom, friend, and Christ follower.

  3. Thank you for sharing that, I can’t imagine what its like but I am so proud of you for facing reality and for sharing it and for having grace. You are a wonderful example to us all, and you are a wonderful mommy!

  4. Lindsay Guard

    We don’t know one another, but we share the same name! I just wanted you to know, I stumbled upon your webpage a while back and was captivated by your openness during such incredible hardship as infertility. Your story helped me better understand my older brother and sister-in-law who have gone through similar happenings, including a still-birth. Thank you sincerely. By the way, I really admire you. (and your name is pretty cool too). Sincerely, Lindsay Guard from Colorado.

  5. This article is genuinely a fastidious one it helps new intefnet people, who are wishing for blogging.

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